Dancing Queen

From a very young age, it’s only been me and my mother. I was her plus one to anything she attended. When I was younger, I used to think I never wanted to be like her, not because I didn’t like her or thought she was a bad mother. I just didn’t want to pick up her laugh that grabbed the attention of everyone in the room or how when she gets excited, she starts screaming and dancing. Or how she balances the steering wheel on her knees to free up her hands to send that work email, that can most definitely wait until we reach our destination. Or how her exuberant flashy clothing contradicts her claims of being a minimalist at heart. Or the way she sometimes overreacts to things and gets mad over the smallest details. Or her curly hair that has a mind of its own and perfectly represents her personality.

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She always pushed me to do my best.

Mariana, las cosas se hacen bien, o no se hacen.

Mariana, either you do things the right way or don’t do them at all.

 

I remember how much that used to annoy me as a child, I would roll my eyes so intensely I could see my brain; the bare minimum was enough for me. She didn’t just say that for school, it would apply to almost anything and everything I did. If she asked for a favor and I half-assed it, there she would go again with this endless rant about how things should be done a certain way (specifically, her way). For example, simple things like getting her a cup of water, if I complained or if it wasn’t filled just right, there she would go. “Mariana Nicole, if you’re going to do it with that attitude, don’t do it.” She was relentless but only because she wants me to have the opportunities she never had, more specifically, the life she never had.

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Dafne didn’t want to stay in Puerto Rico when she graduated high school. She wanted to be a big movie director but universities in PR didn’t offer that, and her father didn’t let her leave the island. He thought that if she left, she would never come back. And though, he was right on that, he cut her wings. Dafne the big time Hollywood director from Puerto Rico, it has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?

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My mother is without a doubt the best person I know. She has done so many things for me over the years, that I hadn’t even realized because I was too young. From time to time, little memories resurface, and I find myself more grateful than ever before about having her as my mother. Over the course of my life, she has taken on different roles: a mother, a father, a best friend, a shoulder to cry on, a therapist and a travel partner. The thing with being so close with your mother and actually being her friend is that the lines get blurred. Often, I’m in the middle of a college story and have to process what I’m saying, I can’t be snitching on myself. This is a grey area, because there are things she’ll understand, like drinking or staying out until 4AM; but I’d have to be insane to mention how often we actually go out or skipping a class just because I didn’t feel like going, or getting a C on an assignment. What she doesn’t know, won’t hurt her, right? Either way, I relieve myself from that guilt because I remember my mom is no angel, nor has she ever been.

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She had me when she was 32 and about five years later, she left my father. That is a whole different story we do not have time for in this paper. So, we moved to an apartment and it was just the two of us. That’s when she got me my first dog, I don’t know if it came from a place of guilt. Sometimes I worry she believes she hasn’t been good enough or that she believes I have missed out on a “normal family.” I worry she ever feels like she has failed me in some way, because I have no idea how to explain to her, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Plus, only child, single mother, I practically got/get everything I have ever wanted in life. She has never once failed me. Sure, she was late for some things, but she had to work twice or triple as hard. I hate that I didn’t understand that as a kid and that I would punish her for it and give her shit. Everything she did since I came into her life was for me.

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My confidence comes completely from her.

El autoestima es extremadamente importante y yo me aseguré que el tuyo fuera alto.

Self-esteem is extremely important, and I made sure yours was high.

 

And let me tell you, I went through some ugly, ugly phases, as we all do. Yet, she never made me feel like I wasn’t the most beautiful girl on the planet. I have always admired her confidence, even if I make fun of her for taking so many mom selfies. Let’s not get it twisted though, she is still extremely blunt. Whenever she didn’t like what I was wearing she was very honest about it. She looked at me with this face that you could tell she hated what she was witnessing, take a breath and go,

Tu crees que eso se ve bien?

Do you think that looks good?

 

 It’s funny because sometimes she says I’m a bitch and I tell her she’s the blueprint. 

 

Nunca debes sentirte infeliz o atrapada.

You should never feel unhappy or trapped.

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She gave me a lot of liberty as a kid to decide what I wanted to do or not do. I think that she understood me as a person from a very young age and I understood her. She never forced me to do things I didn’t want to do, and this applied to all aspects in life. Religion is very important to her and she was raised catholic, but not once did she impose her beliefs on me. Only when I was sad, she would tell me to pray. And though I didn’t one hundred percent believe in it, I prayed. Her advice has never steered me wrong. My mother let me go through every phase I had without any judgement. I was obsessed, and I mean OBSESSED with One Direction for at least five to six years. She never got annoyed when I played their music loudly in the car or when I wanted something just because it had One Direction on it. She has given me the liberty to explore who I am and has been my biggest fan through it all.

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For 60% of my life, I lived on fast food, not that I minded at all. Most kids dream to eat fast food at least once a week, for me it was normal. My mom is no cook, she doesn’t have time for that. I think my immune system even benefited from so much fast food; I have no scientific proof for this though, just take my word for it. We have never been a very “traditional family”, and I don’t mean just by how our family is composed, just in general. Every day after school (the days she could pick me up) we went directly back to her office. I hated having to do this, most kids went home, but I had to go sit in an uncomfortable chair for at least three more hours.

Ya mismo nos vamos…

We’re leaving soon

is what she would say one hour before we actually left.

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I can’t tell you a day in my life where I haven’t seen my mother work, not one. Especially now that phones are basically computers. Wherever we went, we would have to stop because either she had to take a call or answer an email. Nonstop for the 20 years I have known her.  She thrives on it, but I know she’s tired. Tired of working so much and not being the millionaire she desires to be.

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Mariana, el dinero no es todo, pero puñeta como ayuda.

Mariana, money isn’t everything, but fuck does it help.

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Puñeta, does it help. I was a very spoiled child, very spoiled. I went to Europe for the first time when I was 10 years old and before that I had already been to other places like Alaska. Dafne is a travel agent, and she visits every place before she promotes it. So, me being her plus one in life, I got to test those places out too. The first tattoo I got was my senior year of high school; we were in Italy for her 50th birthday. We were on a train back from Tuscany and I googled tattoo designs and when I found one, I jumped out of my seat. “Mami, this is the one, we have to do it. Dude when are we going to be in Italy again for your 50th birthday? This is once in lifetime! Plus, it will be a great story to tell.” Can you tell I know how to play my only child card? In her face I could see she was struggling between two identities: my mother who had to say no to her 17-year-old daughter and my best friend that wanted to get a matching tattoo with me. “Ay Mariana, your grandmother is going to kill me. Dios mio, what are they going to say? You’re 17!” But my speech had already convinced her, I knew that I saw how her face lit up. So, we found the nearest tattoo shop and there we went. 180 euros later and we both had a heart with a heartbeat on our middle fingers. What I am trying to say is, I am very used to getting what I want because of her. Even when things got bad economically, she made sure I had what I wanted.

         When I decided to go to the University of Tampa, I almost gave her a heart attack. Let me paint a picture for you of how selfish that decision was. Puerto Rico had just been devastated by Hurricane Maria, my mother’s travel agency was in jeopardy and she was struggling mentally. So I, her selfish, spoiled daughter, decided I wanted to go study in the US and spend more of her hard earned money. Did she freak out about money? Yes, did I still get to go to the university of my choice? Yep. I know that she was pissed at me for a long time, but she wouldn’t cut my wings like hers were cut. She’s selfless.

Tu eres mi todo… mi sol, mi luna y mis estrellas.

You’re my everything… my sun, my moon and my stars.

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         My mom said this to me a lot when I was a little kid. Sometimes she’ll bring it up and cry when she gets nostalgic about those times. That is a thing she does now a lot, cry. It’s because she has gotten old (and I mean that with love), she never cried when I was a kid, or at least not in front of me. My strong mother doesn’t get sad, she doesn’t have time to be sad. That’s a luxury she says. As I have gotten older, I have realized how royally fucked up that is. And even though she pushes away her emotions, she makes sure I feel all of mine. I think that is why I cry over everything; she has always given me the space to (as corny as it sounds) be in my feelings. 

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Respira… Adentro… Afuera… 

Breathe… In…. Out…

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I find myself using this one a lot and even use it on my friends when they need it. By far the most powerful tool she has given me. On airplanes, my ears would get clogged all of the time because of the pressure, that shit was torture. But there she was, rubbing my arms and hugging me tightly. Breathe in, breathe out, like a mantra. And it was that easy, the pain was managed. If I was hysterically crying over a dumb boy? Breathe in, breathe out. If my girlfriends were being bitches? Breathe in, breathe out. Every time I have felt like my world is ending and things could not get worse, I hear her in my head. “Mariana, you have to breathe.”

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Ironically, she never follows her own advice. When she’s in pain, she forgets to breathe and when she’s mad, it’s like her lungs disappear. Like fire and water, she’s all fire and I try to keep the flames in check. She’s quick to abrupt and I use her own words against her. She calls me her conscious. The first time she called me that, I was about 7 years old. I can’t remember exactly what a seven-year-old could’ve told her that she found so wise, but since then, she asks for my advice. I don’t think she even realizes, it’s her own. 

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El cambio es la única constante

Change is the only constant

I hate change, so this one I hear a lot. Stability is something I deeply cherish but both of our lives have been filled with change. We moved houses about a billion times when I was little, eventually she bought her first house, all by herself. She completely remodeled it and turned her dreams into reality, as she often does. We lived there for almost 10 years, it was our house. Four rooms, two full baths and two half baths, a pool, and a view of the mountains and Guaynabo that took everyone’s breath away. Eventually she had to sell the house and to her that is one of her biggest failures. But Mom remember, el cambio es la única constante. The summer before my freshman year I had a falling out with my high school friends. That was really hard for me to accept, especially since I was moving from Puerto Rico for the first time ever. Dafne my cheerleader was behind me the whole time, cheering me on to not be afraid of the change. “You’ll meet new people! They’re going to be better than any of those so-called friends you had.” And to no one’s surprise, she was right again.

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Now, I find myself doing things I said I never do. Like screaming and dancing when I’m excited about what I’m talking about. Or having a particular laugh that makes everyone else laugh or getting mad over small things. I used to blame the fact that she is an Aries and I’m a Sagittarius, we are fire signs so obviously we are going to be loud; but it's more than that. I love her way of being. I love how independent she is. I love how she loves, unconditionally and without question. I love how giving she is, even to people who don’t deserve it. I love that she does whatever the fuck she wants. I love how she recognizes her faults and never apologizes for them. I love her freedom. I love how she dislikes the beach, and we live on an island. I love her screaming and extremely loud laugh.

 

Mami,

         Eres un ser de luz y aprecio cada momento que hemos vivido juntas. ¡Estoy loca que puedas llevar a tus nietos a viajar como me llevas a mi y que te lo disfrutes al máximo! Espero que nunca en la vida pienses que me has fallado como madre o como compañera de vida. No pude haber pedido una mejor mamá. Una mamá que me entiende al máximo y vive orgullosa hasta de las cosas pequeñas que hago. Y a ese punto, yo vivo orgullosa de ti. De todo lo que eres y todo lo que logras. No ha habido piedra en el camino que te pare y jamás la habrá. ¡Te amo!